February 19, 2007

Lately I have felt so challenged about my perspective of God and my perspective of myself.

I guess I am just so tired of living the same old same old life on autopilot. Just making it through the day isn’t enough for me. I feel as though apathy has really seeped into my heart and mind and attitudes and has become a lifestyle to me.
I watched the movie “Facing the Giants” last night. Now, I found the end so incredibly predictable – where everything turns out just peachy. But, there were certain things that resound in my soul.

  • Win, loose, or draw – I need to give God praise
  • Apathy is the killer of faith and life.
  • I need to give my faith my all.

Honestly, there is so much i could write about being challenged and what issues in my life that I need to address and what sins have I only half heartedly confessed, etc. I could easily do a whole blog on that.

My point being is it’s time for me to give my all or give it up. No more just trying to get by.

Revelations 3:15 – 16

“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

God Bless,


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Ted Haggard – Thoughts on his being “cured”

February 16, 2007

I found this article online. – Haggard says he is “completely heterosexual”

I have some concerns about the way this is being reported. There is definitely a very negative spin on the way they are presenting Haggard’s dealing with his homosexual feelings.

Ralph said three weeks of counseling at an undisclosed Arizona treatment center helped Haggard immensely and left Haggard sure of one thing. “He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.” Why Haggard chose to act out in that manner is something Haggard and his advisers are trying to discern, Ralph said.

Even in the way they have presented the above quote – there is a definite cynicism about Haggard’s recovery. Now, I am not exactly all that thrilled either in the way Haggard dealt with the public finding out about his same sex attractions. I think instead of making up lies about what he did and didn’t do, he should have taken the opportunity to come clean and find the help that he needed.

My biggest concern is that in up coming months and years – people are going to be keeping a very close eye on Haggard and the first time he messes up and acts out again – it’s going to leave a very sour taste in the mouths of those who are already suspicious of those who don’t embrace their same sex attractions and wish change and of Christians in general.

I don’t want to make assumptions about Haggard since in reality I have no clue what he has or hasn’t done, but as far as myself, here are some things that i have learned and experienced.

  1. Homosexual attraction don’t just disappear or change simple because you will them away, or pray them away. Believe if the issue was just that you could stop them just by flipping a switch – then i think there would really be very few people in the world with homosexual feelings.
  2. Homosexuality isn’t a simple thing. I don’t think you can sum up everyone’s experiences with homosexuality into a few hard and fast causes. I think there are a lot of things that play into the development of same sex attractions. Not everyone has had the same experiences in their life so to say that it’s only because of a father wound, or only because of peer rejection, or only because of sexual abuse, I think is unfair and a little to neatly packaged. Homosexuality is so complex and sometimes such a deep and personal struggle that three weeks seems hardly long enough to even read some of the important works on the subject – much less being able to understand and put all the information into use.
  3. It’s easy to be in denial of these feelings. Man I had and still have such ups and downs regarding the reality that I struggle with same sex attractions. I remember thinking to myself as I fantasized about a male teacher i had in middle school (who saw my potential as a musician and took a special interest in me) that i wasn’t gay and that these fantasies didn’t mean anything. At times, when I am not experiencing strong same sex attractions, it’s easy for me to disassociate from the fact that I ever even had those feelings, almost an attitude of – who me? never!! But the reality is I will probably have aspects of same sex attractions that I have to deal with for the rest of my life and that is ok as long as I bring them into submission to Jesus Christ as I deal with them. Which is hard for some people to understand, both gay and those who struggle with unwanted homosexual feelings. For me, the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality – it’s righteousness. Just like the opposite of being a lustful heterosexual isn’t homosexuality – it’s righteousness.

Even though I have my doubts concerning the depth of Haggard’s being “cured” that doesn’t mean I have a total lack of sympathy for him. I have prayed and will continue to pray that God would reveal deep truth to Haggard and that Haggard would be able to face these attractions, find the help he needs, and be able to walk in lasting freedom.

God bless,


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Who I Am in Christ…

February 13, 2007

Well, one thing that I am learning as I work out my salvation with fear and trembling is that I often have a very wrong foundation for how I measure myself.  I find that I compare myself a lot with this vague stereotype about what a “real man” should be like, and when I fall short I either withdraw from other men or I indulge my lust for men as a way to have my internal lack of masculinity met.

The truth is though that I really have a poor perspective on what gives me value.  Is it strength?  Sports ability? Bravado?

I found a list of Bible verses that reinforce my identity as a child of God.  So I included the list here.  I haven’t had a chance to go through all the verses and look them up, but I thought maybe it could be helpful to anyone who feels worthless, alone, or down.

God Bless,


I am reconciled to God – 2 Cor 5:18
I’m a child of God – He is my Father – 1 Jn 3:1,2    
I am a saint – Eph 1:1; 1 Cor 1:2; Phil 1:1
I am Christ’s friend – Jn 15:15    
I am a fellow citizen in God’s kingdom – Eph 2:19
I am born of God – 1 Jn 4:7    
I have been brought near to Christ – Eph 2:13
I have been adopted by God – Rom 8:15    
I’m to be righteous and holy like God – Eph 4:24
I have direct access to God – Eph 2:18

I am a citizen of heaven – Phil 3:20
I am an heir of God – Rom 8:17    
I’ve been rescued from Satan’s domain – Col 1:13
I am a joint heir with Christ – Rom 8:17; Gal 4:7    
I am hidden with Christ in God – Col 3:3
I am blessed with every spiritual blessing – Eph 1:3    
I am chosen of God – holy, beloved – Col 3:12
I am a child of promise – Rom 9:8; Gal 3:14    
I am a child of light, not darkness – 1 Thess 5:5
I’ve been given great promises – 2 Pet 1:4    
I am a partaker of Christ – Heb 3:14
I’m one of God’s living stones – 1 Pet 2:5

I’m a member of a royal priesthood – 1 Pet 2:9
I’m redeemed and forgiven – Eph 1:6-8    
I’m to be a stranger to this world – 1 Pet 2:11
I’ve been justified – made righteous – Rom 5:1    
I’m an enemy of the devil – 1 Pet 5:8
I have eternal life – Jn 5:24    
I died w/Christ to the power of sin – Rom 6:1-6    

I am free from condemnation – Rom 8:1    
I am to be salt on the earth – Mt 5:13
I have received the Spirit of God -1 Cor 2:12    
I am to be light in the world – Mt 5:14
I have been given the mind of Christ – 1 Cor 2:16    
I’m chosen and appointed to bear fruit – Jn 15:16
I have been crucified with Christ – Gal 2:20    
I am called to do the works of Christ – Jn 14:12
I am a new creation – 2 Cor 5:17    
I am to do what Christ commanded  His disciples –     Mt 28:20
I have been made alive with Christ – Eph 2:5    
I have been given spiritual authority – Lk 10:19
I am God’s workmanship – Eph 2:10    
Signs should accompany my work – Mk 16:17-20
I have received fullness in Christ – Col 2:10    
I am a minister of a new covenant – 2 Cor 3:6
I am a minister of reconciliation  –   2 Cor 5:18,19

I am to be an expression of life in Christ – Col 3:4
I am connected to the true vine – Jn 15:1,5    
I am a partaker of a heavenly calling –   Heb 3:1
I’m a willing slave of righeousness – Rom 6:18,22    
I am a temple of God – 1 Cor 3:16; 6:19    
I am one spirit with the Lord – 1 Cor 6:17    
I am a member of Christ’s body – 1 Cor 12:27  

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February 9, 2007

With the recent announcement of John Amaechi’s homosexuality, I really have been thinking about identity.

What do i want to be known for?
A man who had gay feelings and then changed them?

I think who we are goes way beyond our sexuality and the struggles it involves.  I could simply base my identity on the ups and downs of having unwanted same sex attractions, but I think that’s a rather shallow view of what it means to be human.  We are so much more than that..I am so much more than that.

I think what I would like to be known by is being a man who loved Jesus Christ and did my best to obey and honor Him.  That I think is really the only identity that matters int he long run.

Got to go for now, my wifey is going out with some girlfriends from church so i got to get home and get ready to watch the kids.

God bless all!!


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Not Doing so Great

February 7, 2007

Well, I am not doing so great over the last couple of weeks.

My same sex attraction have really been strong and my desire for porn has been overwhelming.

There is just so much pressure I feel on me.  2 young children at home who need constant attention.  I’ve been having emotionally loaded dreams about my father.  In almost all of them he’s leaving my family to go out on his own because in his mind we are holding him back from being able to be happy.  In my most recent dream he outright said that he never wanted me.  I know they are only dreams, but I really think they are a pressure valve right now for some of my deep, unspoken feelings and struggles.  the dreams have been waking me up, and all i can do is cry because the emotions in them are so powerful.  So on top of feeling stressed, I am tired which only exacerbates the whole situation.  I am not strong enough, smart enough, or spiritual enough to be able to solve these feelings on my own.  Which only makes my attractions and desire for porn to escape out to that much stronger which only makes me feel that much weaker.

I need Jesus’ help, but I can’t do this and I am ashamed to say that I failed today morally and I hate myself for being so weak and so perverted and I hate that I can’t fix it.


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Why I Don’t Accept My Same Sex Attractions

February 5, 2007

I was online reading a couple of articles today I came across this article from Dr. Warren Throckmorton, about a friend who struggles with wanting to change his same sex attractions.

I thought it was an excellent article and in many ways reflects how I feel about my struggles with same sex attraction.

I don’t blame anyone for my struggle with same sex attractions. I could probably have plenty of ammo though – mom, dad, brother, peers. But mainly I recognize that the largest influence has been my own sin nature. And while, I don’t believe that prayer alone is the cure to any sinful, life controlling habit, I do believe that the fuel that I need in order to walk out a life that I can I be proud of, and that I feel honors God is a deep foundation based on Jesus Christ which helps me to understand myself and others.

Well, got to get going.

God Bless,


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Xbox 360: Halo 3 trailer

February 2, 2007

Man, I don’t know what my problem is today, but i am really feeling anything but motivated to get work done.

Instead, I was web surfing to find something to hold my interest, and found this…

Halo 3 | Age Gate – Halo® 3 Video

I am a sci-fi fan. Maybe not as intense as some other friends of mine who dressed up to go see “Star Wars: Episode I” on opening night, but I am always up for some good old escapism into some futuristic world.

I can’t wait until Halo 3 comes out. Some friends of mine from church get together from time to time and have Halo matches. Of course I am usually the one face down waiting for to respawn (somehow I never seem to find a good place to hide and snipe from). We’ve had up to 3 Xbox’s linked together to play. I don’t have a 360 yet (and probably won’t anytime soon – I’ll wait until the price is a little more reasonable), but the youth pastor does so I am sure when it comes out a bunch of us will be at his house duking it out.

The Halo 3 website is up – but there isn’t really much on it at the moment besides how to register for the beta testing.


God bless,


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