Identity

With the recent announcement of John Amaechi’s homosexuality, I really have been thinking about identity.

What do i want to be known for?
A man who had gay feelings and then changed them?

I think who we are goes way beyond our sexuality and the struggles it involves.  I could simply base my identity on the ups and downs of having unwanted same sex attractions, but I think that’s a rather shallow view of what it means to be human.  We are so much more than that..I am so much more than that.

I think what I would like to be known by is being a man who loved Jesus Christ and did my best to obey and honor Him.  That I think is really the only identity that matters int he long run.

Got to go for now, my wifey is going out with some girlfriends from church so i got to get home and get ready to watch the kids.

God bless all!!

Todd

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Not Doing so Great

Well, I am not doing so great over the last couple of weeks.

My same sex attraction have really been strong and my desire for porn has been overwhelming.

There is just so much pressure I feel on me.  2 young children at home who need constant attention.  I’ve been having emotionally loaded dreams about my father.  In almost all of them he’s leaving my family to go out on his own because in his mind we are holding him back from being able to be happy.  In my most recent dream he outright said that he never wanted me.  I know they are only dreams, but I really think they are a pressure valve right now for some of my deep, unspoken feelings and struggles.  the dreams have been waking me up, and all i can do is cry because the emotions in them are so powerful.  So on top of feeling stressed, I am tired which only exacerbates the whole situation.  I am not strong enough, smart enough, or spiritual enough to be able to solve these feelings on my own.  Which only makes my attractions and desire for porn to escape out to that much stronger which only makes me feel that much weaker.

I need Jesus’ help, but I can’t do this and I am ashamed to say that I failed today morally and I hate myself for being so weak and so perverted and I hate that I can’t fix it.

Todd

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Just an Average Day

Well, finally got this thing up and running….I think. Technology is a wonderful thing, but only when it works right.

Anyway, I want to say all of you out there who may be reading this blog.

My goal in starting this blog is kind of twofold:

1) Therapy – I am hoping that I can get out some of the junk that swims around in my head by blogging it out here. Maybe understand myself better, see patterns, and grow.

2) Hope – I hope that maybe in reading this account some of you out there that struggle with sexual addictions and/or same sex attractions can maybe find some hope – if nothing else I hope you realize that you are not alone in your struggle to be pure.

Well, anyway as I find cool articles and “stuff” I’ll post it here.

Hope all of you have a blessed day.

Todd

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