Lately I have felt so challenged about my perspective of God and my perspective of myself.
I guess I am just so tired of living the same old same old life on autopilot. Just making it through the day isn’t enough for me. I feel as though apathy has really seeped into my heart and mind and attitudes and has become a lifestyle to me.
I watched the movie “Facing the Giants” last night. Now, I found the end so incredibly predictable – where everything turns out just peachy. But, there were certain things that resound in my soul.
- Win, loose, or draw – I need to give God praise
- Apathy is the killer of faith and life.
- I need to give my faith my all.
Honestly, there is so much i could write about being challenged and what issues in my life that I need to address and what sins have I only half heartedly confessed, etc. I could easily do a whole blog on that.
My point being is it’s time for me to give my all or give it up. No more just trying to get by.
Revelations 3:15 – 16
“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”
God Bless,
Todd
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February 23, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Ok I posted on your Ted Haggard comment. Thanks for responding. Here’s some more of my musings…
I’m not one for high dramatics or hyberbole, but my assessment based on your limited posts is that you feel miserable and flawed because of your same sex attractions. Granted I haven’t been to church in a while, but since the church makes a habit of cherry picking verses and subjects to reinforce their given message, I’ll pick a good one for you: “God made you in his image.” Period. You are not sick, flawed, disgusting, worthless, or perverse in anyway. The only thing you suffer from is incredibly low self esteem. Even your blog “Todd is Broken”? Come ‘on.
No “treatment”, (I say treatment with a grain of salt as it’s been psychologically established and accepted that homosexuality is not a perversion, disease, or disorder). No therapy or treatment is going to mitigate your attraction to men. My hair is blond. I can dye it black, but the roots are blond. Yes in addition to being a cute metaphor it’s also genetics and science. We can discuss “what makes you gay” for hours but there is a proven genetic element. Oh and I might add your God created it.
But more importantly: Accept the fact that you have same-sex attractions and are bisexual at the least. There’s nothing wrong with that. If you choose to pursue a female relationship be open and honest about it. You don’t sound like the kind of person who would screw around with truckers and meth by day and lie to your wife.
Or, why not see accept same sex attractions as a facet of your life and move on. Why flagellate yourself with the mental gymnastics of dealing with something that simply IS NOT A PROBLEM? Live, learn, give to your church and community, and set a good example. That’s it. Life isn’t complicated, and when we’re so selfishly drawn inward over analyzing ourselves we forget to concentrate on opening our eyes to our communities, neigbhors, and friends and helping them and setting a good example.
Moving on. (Good grief I must really care if I’m writing all this): Simply because your gay doesn’t mean you’ll be clubbing all night in a leather harness and marching in a gay pride parade. You CAN have a Christian relationship and be gay or bisexual. Yes other churches and denominations will look down on you, but screw ‘em. You only have to answer to yourself and God.
My partner of six years and I don’t go to church regularly, but when we eat dinner with my neighbors, (gay neighbors, shocking huh)?, they read a passage from the Bible and we pray together. They’ve been together 25 years. They work, go to church, shovel our snow, and are set a Christlike example for all. Sure the Protestants and fundamentalists think they’re running around molesting children and corrupting society, but their example, plus an educated mind sees the truth. You seem too intelligent to succomb to stone age thinking and logic.
Do this:
1. Why not make your next post about something GOOD about yourself and the world you live in. I love to travel and learn about different people and cultures. I like biking and do long tours regularly. What do you like? I’m certain there’s more than “I’m Todd and I don’t like being gay”.
2. See a therapist. Not a church counseler, but an actual accredited therapist to deal with your feelings.
3. Go to a church where same sex feelings aren’t met with judgements of hell. No one will try and turn you gay, but it’s possible to learn and grow in Christ without the overbearing mental weight of one tiny aspect of your life.
4. Change your comment colors. The dark color is difficult to read against the backdrop.
All the best. james… http://www.futuregringo.com
March 2, 2007 at 2:33 pm
James,
I’ve thought alot about your comments and will include my own here.
First and foremost, I appreciate that you have taken the time to really respond to my posts here.
I couldn’t figure out how to change the comments color, but I found a much more brighter theme to use anyway, so thanks for the advice on that.
I agree that God made me in His image. However, I am not sure that I fully ascribe that every feeling I have and that every emotion I experience is part of that image. With that said, I do believe that the basic needs I have do reflect that image. The need to be accepted. The need to be loved. The need to feel safe. The thing is, I believe that MY homosexual desires have grown out those needs being exaggerated in areas – specifically with men. I don’t necessarily think that it’s fair to say that that is true for everyone, but for me, I have really searched myself, read a whole lot of material about homosexuality (and not just stuff from the pro-change camp, but legitimate, unbiased writings) and I can say that when I get to to the root of the emotions that I feel and attractions that I feel – the greater need for me is to feel accepted and safe among men. I don’t pretend to understand all of what I have read and all the material out there, but I am convinced of one thing – acting on the homosexual attraction I have don’t represent who I feel that I am at my core.
In the same vein – I don’t think that just having homosexual attractions means condemnation to hell. Attractions are just that attractions. I don’t believe that God would condemn anyone for being attracted to men, women, blonde hair, beards, breasts, long legs, etc. However, after searching the scripture for myself, I can’t reconcile acting on those attractions with what I believe the Bible says. And that is where another source of motivation comes into play about wanting to change these attractions.
You are definitely right though… only playing one note on a piano tends to get old very fast, and there is a whole lot more to me than “not liking being gay” and I will strive to hopefully reveal more who all that is in the future posts.
Your advice to see a therapist is something I have already put into motion. He understands my goals and is helping me to attain them, and I think that it is only fair and ethical that he supports me in the direction I want to move.
And just to clarify where I stand, I don’t believe that all homosexuals are out to corrupt society. I do think that there are those who at the extreme who do have agenda’s and plans, but I find it hard to believe that everyone who is attracted to the same sex is out to get the straight world and their children. I think you got to be a dingbat to really believe that.
Anyway, James, again I do appreciate the obvious concern for me and the thoughtfulness that goes into your comments.
Todd
November 16, 2007 at 5:34 am
Two new studies show why some people are more attractive for members of the opposite sex than others.
The University of Florida, Florida State University found that physically attractive people almost instantly attract the attention of the interlocutor, sobesednitsy with them, literally, it is difficult to make eye. This conclusion was reached by a series of psychological experiments, which were determined by the people who believe in sending the first seconds after the acquaintance. Here, a curious feature: single, unmarried experimental preferred to look at the guys, beauty opposite sex, and family, people most often by representatives of their sex.
The authors believe that this feature developed a behavior as a result of the evolution: a man trying to find a decent pair to acquire offspring. If this is resolved, he wondered potential rivals. Detailed information about this magazine will be published Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
In turn, a joint study of the Rockefeller University, Rockefeller University and Duke University, Duke University in North Carolina revealed that women are perceived differently by men smell. During experiments studied the perception of women one of the ingredients of male pheromone-androstenona smell, which is contained in urine or sweat.
The results were startling: women are part of this repugnant odor, and the other part is very attractive, resembling the smell of vanilla, and the third group have not felt any smell. The authors argue that the reason is that the differences in the receptor responsible for the olfactory system, from different people are different.
It has long been proven that mammals (including human) odor is one way of attracting the attention of representatives of the opposite sex. A detailed article about the journal Nature will publish.