Well, I am not doing so great over the last couple of weeks.
My same sex attraction have really been strong and my desire for porn has been overwhelming.
There is just so much pressure I feel on me. 2 young children at home who need constant attention. I’ve been having emotionally loaded dreams about my father. In almost all of them he’s leaving my family to go out on his own because in his mind we are holding him back from being able to be happy. In my most recent dream he outright said that he never wanted me. I know they are only dreams, but I really think they are a pressure valve right now for some of my deep, unspoken feelings and struggles. the dreams have been waking me up, and all i can do is cry because the emotions in them are so powerful. So on top of feeling stressed, I am tired which only exacerbates the whole situation. I am not strong enough, smart enough, or spiritual enough to be able to solve these feelings on my own. Which only makes my attractions and desire for porn to escape out to that much stronger which only makes me feel that much weaker.
I need Jesus’ help, but I can’t do this and I am ashamed to say that I failed today morally and I hate myself for being so weak and so perverted and I hate that I can’t fix it.
Todd
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February 11, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Todd. You are right. It isn’t something that you can fix. If it was, you would fix it. Jesus knows that you can’t fix it and he doesn’t expect you to. He expects you to ask Him to fix it. Keep turning it over to Him. Put the burden at his feet and trust that he is there.
I suffer from a similar compulsion. Lately, what I’ve been doing is imagining that He is right beside me every moment, leading me through the day, with His arm around my shoulders, sheltering me and encouraging me. Whenever my mind churns up some muck, and it always does, I remember that He is with me, right beside me, giving me strength. I imagine that he is the Father that I’ve always wanted to have. And He is.
J
February 13, 2007 at 3:04 pm
Hey J,
Thanks for the encouragement.
Imagining Jesus with me is actually where I got the title to this blog from “Practicing the Presence”. It’s from a book by a Christian author that I can’t think of right now, but the point of the book is that we need to practice living in the presence of Jesus. Living, thinking, acting as though He is right there with us every second, because of course He is. Problem is – it’s easier said than done. I try so many times to do it myself – and every time I fail.
God bless you J, and thanks for reminding me again of how important reliance on Jesus is.
Todd